Somehow, at the 2008 Good Design Expo, Japanese company Willcom showcased a concept phone to what Forever Geek refers to as “the adoring public”. The phone is not only oversized, but in the shape of a teddy bear, and requires the user to talk into the bear’s crotch as though to give it fellatio. Fortunately, the bear is anatomically incorrect.

How such a design monstrosity (it’s not even a good-looking teddy bear) is being displayed at the Good Design Expo is amazing. Even more frightening is that the concept phone sells for $500 (which would tend to suggest there’s little concept about it). While we hate to say it, only in Japan could such a monstrosity be considered a desirable product to both manufacture, and ultimately buy.

What’s with designers coming up with wholly unpractical products, anyway? While the phone’s design is an expensive novelty aimed at being “cute” (presumably in an attempt to infer that the bear is whispering to the user), there’s no clear way to dial un-programmed numbers via the bear-phone. All in all, the novelty of the phone could probably be re-created with some clever hackery of an existing phone and teddy bear, for much cheaper than $500 and with arguably better results on the cuteness scale. Plus, enterprising folks at home could either find a way to make communication work in a way that one doesn’t need to talk to the bear’s crotch, else slip full-on into the realm of bear-phone bestiality. Either way, we bet it’d sell in Japan.

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Somewhat surprised were we when we came across a post decrying the old brown Starbucks logo in favor of the censored, common-place green one. In said post, author Maxator doesn’t so much mind the bare breasts that most people complain about, but instead doesn’t like the idea of the Starbucks mermaid holding her “mer-legs” apart. Going so far as to call the whole thing “offensive”, Maxator’s comments appear without an understanding for the logo’s core theme, never-mind a mermaid’s anatomy.

The original logo, unlike the polished, cartoony new green one, is not meant to look refined. Rather, it’s designed to look like a 15th century European woodcut depicting a twin-tailed mermaid, which is also known as a melusine. In fact, many historical melusine drawings depict the creatures in a similar way as Starbucks has, and the only pornographic notions are those inferred, not directly implied. Perhaps that’s why the melusine is even seen in European heraldry, and why the image is quite appropriate as Starbucks’ logo given the corporation’s intent to sell their outlets as a patron’s “third place” outside work and home: the melusine’s alchemical representation is that of unity: earth and water, body and soul, etc.

As far as we’re concerned, Starbucks should bring back the old logo permanently. Those who think the old logo is hideous are clearly missing the point. We happen to like the old-world feel of the Pike’s Place Starbucks store, and wish that all newer stores embodied the same theme. Screw the spit and polish and unnecessary censoring of the new logo. It’s almost as though Americans want to be offended.

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Perusing a fairly mundane post on office hijinks earlier today, I followed a much less mundane post that is both hilarious and scary at the same time. Namely, the link is for a product that mea ignoramus believes can only come out of Japan, because, well, that’s the kind of quirky shit that comes out of Japan: sex dolls for dogs.

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Only recently did I bring up the iPod accessory made for women, which makes for an interesting alternative to the device unspecific vibrator that runs on sounds generated by any device with a standard audio output port. As mentioned in my earlier post, this is no different than the model aimed specifically at the iPod, though this device, the Talk2Me, is advertised as being device neutral.

Currently, the Talk2Me comes in one color, but it is likely that others will be offered in the future. Additionally, unlike the OhMiBod, the Talk2Me separates bass from treble, and outputs them separately through two different vibrating components. And, this is done wirelessly so one needn’t worry about stretching cables across one’s room, making it convenient to run the Talk2Me off a television, stereo, or even video game console.

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Apparently there is a world of condom users out there who have severe slippage issues, and by “slippage” I refer to the slipping off of condoms rather than the slipping in of the latex-clothed penis into, well, you know. To combat this problem, a German company decided to improve on the most common contraceptive we use, and design a system to spray the penis with a latex coating directly, thus making for a custom fit. In short, the penis is put into a tube, and then sprayed from all sides by a quick-drying form of liquid latex.

The company is still testing the product, which will hit stores in 2008. The obvious issues are meanwhile being worked out, such as the speed at which the latex dries, and the refillable cartridges to give another 25 “sprays”. Obviously, these condoms won’t be lubricated, or contain spermicide, so whether this becomes anything less than a novelty is still to be seen, if it even makes it to U.S. shores.

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Apple makes sleek, polished products, in both appearance and functionality. No surprise then that third-party products who develop Apple accessories occasionally borrow Apple’s stylings to complement the product they’re developing after. Such is the case with the OhMiBod, an accessory for Apple’s iPod. Only, this accessory isn’t another docking station – it’s a vibrator.

In theory, the OhMiBod will work with any audio source, since it’s really just converting bass to vibrations. However, the pink garter and iPod-eque styling makes its market clear. It also make me wish I were a woman.

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Rating the Girls at hotornot.com

Though this article was compiled by WyldKard, thanks go to all those helping to create this ratings guide, including Wayne “The Dirty Frenchman” Pozzar, The American Hero, Jim “MoneyBags” Hawley, and our dear friend Al Cohol.

Introduction

Whoever came up with the idea of amihotornot.com should be awarded a frikken medal. There are few web pages out there that keep me entertained long enough to come back, and there are even fewer that I enjoy browsing with a group of friends. I mean, web-browsing is usually considered a solo-adventure, but amihotornot.com changed that.

Though a gorgeous site, giving us pictures of gorgeous women to drool over, and non-gorgeous women to flame and rate low, likely driving them to commit suicide in the night when they realize that they were right about no one loving them, the ratings system of the site has some definite problems, not the least of which is the fairly random ratings some surfers choose to endulge in. I mean, standards are good, people, and it is with this thought in mind that I partook in a seminar program to bring about the Ratings Consortium, which has since taken me on as a member. Actually, I helped form the damn thing, so they had to make me a member.

Okay, okay, I made up the Ratings Consortium. But if it did exist (which it ought to), it would publish these findings, which are as important as remembering not to wear boxers before a heavy workout. Yea, that important.

Now, please remember that though there may not be a Ratings Consortium, the information contained within this guide has been field-tested regardless, by a number of twenty-something males. In addition, though some of the information below might appear strange, it all serves a very good purpose. If, at any point, you question why we included something like “line drawing” in the minus section below, it’s because we’ve actually come across someone on amihotornot.com that posted a frikken line drawing of themselves.

Could this syetm be altered to rate the men of amihotornot.com? Most surely, but since I’m wholly uninterested in such, I will opt not to write that kind of an article, but rather wait to let one of our other staff writers to take on the project. *ahem*Calvin*ahem*. Well, in this most accurate of systems, the base score for starting any rating is 5. So before you instinctively move your cursor to one, or ten, stop what you’re doing. Yea, that’s right, sucka. Hover that cursor near five, and get ready to follow the guidelines.

The Creed

Before going on, you must recite The Creed. It goes as follows:

No face, no score.
No head, no score.
No skin, no score.

What does this mean, exactly? It’s quite simple, really. If the picture in question does not show the face of the woman, immediately rate the picture as low as possible and move on. This is also true if you can’t see the head of the woman at all, or if there is not enough skin shown. The qualifier “enough” is somewhat subjective, though we take it as meaning “an average amount of”. For instance, if the amount of skin shown is appropriate for a typical day out, and the woman is not covered in pounds of clothing (winter jackets, for instance), then the picture passed The Creed, which serves as stage one of our quick filtering method.

The Kosher Test

Named after Wayne “Kosher” Pozzar, a misplaced Frenchman from NY, this second stage of our filtration method consists of assigning more automatic zeroes for those unworthy of scores. While we could have easily included these criteria in The Creed, we decided to separate them for no particular reason. In fact, it makes as much sense as the French, which is, appropriately, why this phase was named after a toad. Er, a frog.

Automatic zeroes are assigned for the following:

Professional Model – The whole purpose of amihotornot.com is to rate your goon friends and other “average” people. To include professional models is simply unfair, and we take great pleasure in shouting “Not-See!” at the top of our lungs when such a picture comes up. Somewhere inside our drunken heads, we imagine the model can hear us, and we take pleasure in that.

Breasts Bigger Than Your Head – Boobies that big are not cool, man. Granted, some of you sickos may like 100lb hooters, but this guide isn’t for freaks like you. Your head size is the limit.

One Breast – Even worse than two ridiculously huge b00bies is the lack of a whole breast. Granted, most women have one breast larger than the other, but missing one entirely doesn’t count for anything.

Too Stupid to Post the Picture – C’mon, ladies. We know you secretly control the World Wide Web, and that your Internet presence is growing at a much faster rate than male-Internet use. As such, there’s no excuse for not being able to post your picture properly. Broken URL’s, “hosted-on” messages, etc, are unacceptable, and a low score is what you get as a result.

Baby Present – Sure, babies are cute, but not the type of “cute” we’re looking for when we surf amihototnot.com. In fact, the presence of any child, toddler, fetus, or whatever in your picture disqualifies you from a proper rating.

“He’s a Man, Baby!” – If you’re a guy, and post your picture in the female’s section of amihotornot.com, you should be shot.

Milli Vanilli – If you look like the infamous pop duo, you also deserve to be shot.

Statues – Stone figures, real dolls, mannequins, or anything else of the sort gets you a low score. Yes, even if they’re just in the background.

Anything That Makes You Exclaim, “AHHH!!!” – ’nuff said.

The Plusses

And here we are with the plus modifiers. Indeed, if you’ve survived The Creed and the Kosher Test, it’s time to up the value of your picture. The following table should be your guide:

Beer	+1
Bikini	+1
Cowboy Hat	+1
Drunk	+1
Latino	+1
Liquor	+1
Nice Car	+1
Nose Ring	+1
Pajama Pants	+1
Red Head	+1
Showing Midriff	+1
Asian	+2
"Bangable"	+2
Belly Ring	+2
Cheerleader Outfit	+2
D.S.L.	+2
Drawn-on Bikini	+2
"Gettin’ Into It"	+2
Guinness	+2
In Bed	+2
In the Gym	+2
Incidental Lengerie	+2
Leather/Latex	+2
Lesbian	+2
Tongue Ring	+2
Wine	+2
Dressed like a Devil	+3
Dressed like an Angel	+3
Nippage	+3
Smokin’ a Joint	+3
Gettin’ 40′s poured on ‘em	+6
Phagina	+10

The Minuses

What, did you think we’d let you add points and not take any back? Of course not. Again, we’ve put together a table to guide you:

80′s Haircut	-1
Animal Bigger than Person	-1
Baggy Clothes	-1
Bigass Picture	-1
Bleached Blond	-1
Copious Pink	-1
Crooked Nose	-1
Fake Breasts	-1
Goth	-1
Junk in the Trunk (large ass)	-1
No Ass	-1
Not "Into It"	-1
Pig Snout	-1
Sagging Breasts	-1
Scraggly Hair	-1
Shitty Car	-1
Under 70 Pounds	-1
Wreathe on Head	-1
Blurry Picture	-2
Braces	-2
Deer Caught in Headlights	-2
Flat Head	-2
Fuzzy Pictures	-2
Guy Touching	-2
Internet Connection Sucks	-2
Lip Ring	-2
Looks "Used"	-2
No Body	-2
No Breasts	-2
Over 40	-2
Picture is too Fucking Small	-2
Racoon Eyes	-2
Stupid	-2
Text in Picture	-2
Truck Face	-2
Under 16	-2
Wearing a Wig	-2
"What the fuck is that shit in the background?"	-2
Nice job using your DL pic, ya fuckin’ idiot!	-3
"Snaggletooth"	-3
URL in Picture	-3
Retahded-lookin’	-4
Showin’ off More Than You Have To	-4
Line Drawing	-5
Mustache	-5

The Weight Scale

Those magazines are only half right – guys don’t like super skinny chicks, and they certainly don’t like fat chicks. Well, guys in ancient Greece did, but we’re not them.

Skinny	-1
Slim	+1
Full	0
Chubby	-1
Fat	-2
Dear God!	-5

The Breast Scale

All Guys like breasts. They may not care about them entirely, but they certainly don’t mind them being there, within reason. It’s for this reason that the Breast Scale was compiled, and though it adds a level of complexity that some guys don’t want to deal with out of laziness, more accurate results can be found by incorporating this scale into your daily amihotornot.com rating routine.

	Board	A	B	C	D	DD	Dragging
Skinny	0	+1	+2	NA	NA	NA	-4
Slim	-1	0	+1	+2	+2	-1	-3
Full	-2	-1	0	+1	+2	-1	-2
Chubby	-2	-2	-1	0	+1	+2	-2
Fat	-3	-2	-2	-1	+1	+1	-1
Dear God!	NA	NA	NA	NA	NA	NA	NA

Done?

Almost, but not quite. Before you can click the final number rating, we’re giving you the option of raising or lowering the final rating by one point, but only by one point. This accounts for some cultural diversity – for instance, if you lived in ancient Greece, you may wan to rate that fat woman you’re eying a point higher, or if you live in France and you like hairy armpits, feel free to add a point. We’re all about compromising here, fellas.

Finally, if you have any suggestions for future revisions of this guide, send them our way.

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I tend to be fond of studies done that assert two things: 1) Women should wear hight heels, and 2) Fat chicks are uncool. In this case, by “uncool”, I mean “at an increased risk for knee injury.

Indeed, a study suggests that women are at a greater risk of damaging their knees than men are, and scrubbing floors doesn’t exactly help. Neither does being overweight however, or smoking. While I wasn’t aware of any corrolation between knee pain and smoking, I’m not fond of cigarettes much either, so that finding is fine by me. Of interest to you foot fetishists out there, however: wearing high heels is not a risk factor for knee damage, and, in fact, it may be associated with a reduced risk.

At least, until another study comes along.

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Isn’t it funnny how niche groups tend to influence the majority when their ideas are thrown into the giant mixing pot that is society? This is particulalry true, I think, of all things related to sex, be it related to sex toys, clothing, or bedroom activities.

Lately, though, it seems people are getting less fidgety about BDSM, as one may observe after watching movies such as The Secretary , which make their way into the box office, and onto local Blockbuster shelves. Curiously, though, despite the fact that people are watching this movie, people aren’t openly talking about it, keeping the subject of BDSM localized to people who practice it, or perhaps even to those who wish they could.

Some people are finding that practicing it isn’t really that difficult, however. Nevermind that pro-dommes (professional dominatrices) have been around forever, but now fat men can get exercise and relieve their kinky fetishes all at the same time, thanks to BDSM workouts that make aerobic step classes look like kindergarten activities.

While hailed among the BDSM community as another step towards acceptance, films like The Secretary really need more explanation before being unleashed on the masses, else gym-related activities like the above, or less voyeuristic activities, may not find a long-term place in our cities. As someone who’s watched The Secretary, the first thing that sprung to mind was “Good job portraying BDSM practitioners as self-mutilating psychopaths.”

While the public waits for a good explanation, and not another Marquis de Sade half-historical-half-fictional approach ala Quills, I’m afraid that optimistic views like those of Mistress Victoria of NYC’s Slavercise program simply won’t pan out anytime soon. Honestly, how many legitimate, publically-traded companies will spend their dollars on weekend excursions to the local dungeon?

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I don’t know how it is that people think human emotions boil down to simple formulas. I will admit that there’s likely a very scientific explanation for human emotions, but I don’t shy away from the idea that such an explanation requires hundreds, thousands, if not millions of variables.

Let us take the idea of love, for example. As a human emotion, love is perhaps the most reverred of its kindred, since it is an emotion not easily attained. As an emotion placed upon so high a pedestal, I believe it bears a good illustration for scientific analysis. It has thusly been argued:

Nature, of course, is the only element that perseveres beyond the control enacted by the females, for it drives not only emotion, but the natural order of all things. Though entropy is certainly present in the world today, it is not as powerful a force as one may suspect, despite its recent growth. For though order is seemingly created through the technocratic paradigm that is the world tomorrow, we cannot ignore the vast plains of chaos, for they veer from corner to corner, encompassing the niches that we forget about, or overlook, in our design of the next society. Even still, it is nature that drives this chaos; it is nature that drives the lack of order, as well as the agents of its design. To grasp the meaning of love is a simple matter of grasping fact, not conjecture. Love has previously been described as an almost magical state, a fact that I spit upon, and decree a lie. In fact, love is nothing more than a complex set of variables, that, when paired, equate an objectifiable relationship. There is no soul mate, other than possibly finding a more “perfect” (or a more exact) match than when pairing the individual with another person. This is key, for it acknowledges that there is no fate, but rather that destiny is in the mind of the beholder, or enactor, to conquer at their own will. This further explains the tumultuous relationships of our era, and those of the past, by way of probability, for a perfect match is difficult to find given only X amount of variables, and Y amount of individuals carrying a near-fit, with the already deficient X variables in place. We find ourselves in a world not driven by the relationships reminiscent of the existence of a soul mate, but rather by sheer need for procreation and emotional security. In other words, nature has maintained control of the human will, keeping us from staggering further into the next stage of evolution; man remains animal, and machine does not prosper. Yet, the question that needs to be asked, then, is whether or not we can persevere in the era in which we live, and strive to bypass or circumvent the natural order. This, of course, is not entirely conjecture, for historically, our evolution is based entirely on destroying nature’s chains, reaching a climax of success that breaches the confines of the natural way. And thus we evolve. As is likely, we will further leave behind our natural ways, and succumb to a more objectifiable path. Through proper selection, we can maintain man’s status quo, enacting selection so perfect, and so near a match as possible, that we will find not only a partner capable of true emotional connection, but one that will allow us to create offspring in a more perfect world. Though the natural order becomes succinct at this stage, and possibly lacking in entirety as mate-selection becomes moot, the fact remains that love, as we see it, must invariably become ordered, and entropy therefore, becomes locked away, where it will grow in silence. For the time being, however, since we cannot dwell in the future, we must live in the shadow that is today, and in it, consider our options for the proper selection of a partner. We are thereby left with only two appropriate options for establishing a fortunate alliance between two members of the opposite sex: One, we can continue searching for a soul mate that does not exist, leaving us to a search that will either end in failure, or one that will end in success. Only, this “success” of which we speak is only a close enough match that time has allowed, for as one grows more tired of looking, they will inevitably give in to lower standards than which they had when they set out upon their journey. If they attempt to maintain these standards, they will revert to the previous outcome, dying alone, without true happiness. Either way, the individual will not have succeeded in their quest, leaving this option hardly desirable for the logical thinker. Two, the individual in question can disregard any and all standards for spiritual partnership, and simply search for a fit that is desirable enough to warrant adequate comfort. This is the only solution desirable for the logical thinker, who wishes to find happiness, and not waste his life in a quest that will end in an undesirable fashion.

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